The Whenever I Feel Like Writing Prophet
by KaibasVeryOwnPinaColada
Summary: A parody of 'The Daily Prophet'.
1. Chapter 1

_The Whenever-I-Feel-Like-Writing Prophet_

_By Your Mom Is A Sexy Gnome_

_Issue 1_

**GREASY WIZARD ATTACKED BY PSYCHOTIC CHRISTIAN FUNDAMENTALIST:**

Draco Malfoy, of Wiltshire Mansion, England, was brutally attacked Wednesday evening by an out-of-control Catholic extremist.

"I was just eating a burrito from Chipotle when this huge Muggle jumps out of a nearby cheese truck," Malfoy, 16, claims. "He said he would sue me if I pulled my wand out of my pocket."

The rotund Muggle has been identified as Ian Stoutman, a man with whom the Wizarding community has had problems with in the past. He has threatened many other wizards, all of whom wish not to be mentioned.

As for the actual attacking, Draco was thrown, beaten, smacked over the head with a 2-by-4, and body slammed.

Incidentally, the victim has no memory other than what he was doing at the time of the attack. So, we at the Ministry of Magic need your help in killing Mr. Ian Stoutman. We are now making the 'Avada Kedavra' curse legal for six weeks.

Thanks for your cooperation.

**HARRY POTTER ORDERS A BAGEL FROM DRUNKEN HOUSE-ELF**

Harry Potter, the Chosen One, has finally disgraced the idea of being humane to magical creatures. Last Thursday, while looking for a place to eat in the castle of Hogwarts, he ran into an intoxicated house elf and made it steal a blueberry bagel with extra cream cheese from the kitchen.

The victimized elf, who wishes not to be named, told us that the experience was dreadful.

"Nothing but dreadful!" the squeaky creature said. "I barely remember when it was!"

Why this is in the news, no one knows. Maybe because this is just a PARODY of _The Daily Prophet._

**POOR WIZARD HAS STALKER**

Ron Weasley, the poorest wizard of all time, has a stalker.

"I was walking down the stairs and I heard a noise! And, um, when I turned around there was a shadow! Then, six minutes later it happened again!"

We asked local officials who they think might be the stalker. Their answer?

"Most likely Colin Creevey."


	2. Chapter 2

_DoThe Whenever-I-Feel-Like-Writing Prophet_

_By Me (ha! I switch pennames too often to put that here anymore!)_

_Issue 2_

**MINISTRY 'NEVER SAW THIS COMING'**

Because of the whole 'legal for six weeks' thing, people are being murdered left and right. We interviewed Mr. Rufus Scrimgeour to get his insight on the recent bereavements.

TWIFLWP: So, Mr. Scrimgeour, has the Muggle been caught?

RS: Well, no, but—

TWIFLWP: Has he been _seen_?

RS: Um. No, not since the attack on Draco, but—

TWIFLWP: Then what's with making the Avada Kedavra curse legal?

RS: …

TWIFLWP: Our point exactly!

RS: You know what? Shut up.

That was our interview. He, obviously, needs to think before he acts.

**ADVICE COLUMN**

**By Dobby the House Elf**

Dear Dobby,

A few weeks ago I was attacked by a Muggle. Lately I have been having nightmares about (name deleted). They haunt me day and night! What should I do?

Signed,

Totally Freaked Out in Wiltshire

8888888888888888888

Dear Totally Freaked Out in Wiltshire,

Dobby cannot answer your question. Oh, no, Dobby _will NOT_ ANSWER ANY MORE QUESTIONS from his old, cruel, evil, pubescent, spiteful, mean, wicked, and malicious master! Dobby will never listen to you again, no.

-Dobby the House Elf

Dear Dobby,

A few weeks ago I was walking along a dark alley. The alley was full of dark, dark, darkness. As I was walking down this alley of darkness, I got this urge to just cut loose and _dance_. I've been tormented day and night with this thought! So…what do I do?

Please help,

Dancing Decisions

8888888888888888888

Dear Dancing Decisions,

Dobby wonders where to begin. Dobby wonders if you have been cursed by He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, because he was a grand hip-hop dancer. But Dobby doesn't know from first-hand experience. Oh, no, Dobby would never dance with the man who killed Harry Potter's parents.

Dobby would like to advise you not to dance in dark alleys. He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named dances in dark alleys, as Dobby has already mentioned. But Dobby suggests you dance in the safety of your own home. As long as it isn't in a dark alley, of course.

-Dobby the House Elf

**Readers' Comments**

**By Fred and George Weasley**

Dear TWIFLWP:

I was maddened, angered, and angrily astonished by the attack on Draco Malfoy! He's so hot! Why would you lie about something that pains me so much? You _heathens_!

-Right On Nothing

Dear Ron:

Nice acronym. Doesn't make any sense though…

Wait, you're telling _us_ that you have a crush on Malfoy? Do you have any idea how much trouble this will cause? Or how embarrassed you'll be in about ten minutes?

Either way, we're sure you'll get away with all sorts of naughty things!

-Fredngeorge


End file.
